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Posted by on October 11th, 2011 in blog, Brady Baylor, CFF Features, Uncategorized | 4 Comments

Dear Gary Patterson:

 

After chastising you publicly in the wake of your juvenile reaction to the SMU loss, let me be among the first to welcome you to the Big 12.  I’ve always thought a little purple would brighten the landscape of the debacle formally known as the Big 12 Conference.  I must admit to being a little confused when you slipped in the stunning triple negative as part of your comments.  I believe you said “It’s not going to be easy … but I do believe that if the Big 12 did not feel like we couldn’t be competitive in the league, then they wouldn’t have asked us”.  (Italics mine).  With June Jones having disrespected you last week, I’m sure you were simply reminding him of just how unpredictable you and your Horned Frogs can be.  That was great.  I’m no expert, but I do want to offer you a few little nuggets of wisdom as you dive into this cesspool, so please humor me.

 

-If you haven’t noticed already, you’ll soon discover that the Big 12 is really only twelve on paper.  The conference has its own math troubles on par with what we’ve seen from the Big 10 over the years.  You and your Frogs will actually make it a nice round 10, but only if Missouri decides to forego their suicide march southeast.

-Horned Frogs are a fun-sounding mascot and all, but you do need to know that you have the smallest critter in the entire conference as your flag bearer.  Based on my research, the Phrynosoma (a proud genus of the Phrynosomatidae family of lizards) can only reach lengths of 3.7 inches, while your competitors feature the much larger Wildcats, Tigers, Longhorns, Bears, and assorted surly frontiersmen.  That’s the bad news, but the good news is that you’re no ordinary horned lizard.  You would be a Texas horned lizard, and we all know what “they” say about things in Texas.  Not only that, but (this is the awesome part), yours are one of only a few species of horned lizards with the ability to shoot a focused stream of blood from your eyes when provoked, for up to five (5) feet!  The literature I read says this will confuse your opponents, but I’m thinking it will send them into cardiac arrest!  I only hope you’ll use that power judiciously.  If that’s not an equalizer, then the word “equalizer” should just be removed from the dictionary.

-I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that no one aside from Texas and Oklahoma ever wins this conference.  Ever.  However, should you need to threaten them with your little trick we just revealed, I think they’d be crazy not to let you have a crack at it once in a while.

-I’d encourage you to refrain from locking your “sons of former famous players and current TV broadcasters” in a dark shed during practice.  No matter how many times we’ve seen it, it just never works out well for coach or player.

-Make every effort to avoid publicly humiliating your players, bringing cultural references into the debate, all while weighing 900 pounds.  It’ll eventually come back to bite you as it did a certain Jayhawk coach.

 

There, I hope that will ease your transition into this ordeal and give you some things to think about.  I think you and your Horned Frogs will be a wonderful addition to a conference lacking a true identity.  I really hope we can be friends, too, after those cheap shots I took at you last week.  Okay, let’s be real here, Gary.  If we want this to work, we have to be honest with each other.  I meant every word I said last week about your cry baby act, but I’m just petrified at the thought of you spitting blood from your eyes at me.

4 Comments

4 Comments for this entry

  1. JS says:

    Brady, once again you have succeeded in making me fall on the floor with laughter!!!

    PS….I always have trouble with math below, oh well.

  2. JH says:

    Dude, that was funny. I too am excited about TCU joining the Big 12.

    However, will this make it harder for a playoff system to emerge since a small conference powerhouse is jumping ship to a conference that has an automatic BCS bid? Now TCU will have an equal chance as any to land in the BCS championship. Whereas before, they didn’t have a prayer and many lobbied for a playoff system.

    • BB says:

      Perhaps, but I’m sure you’re still hearing rumblings too about the “elite 64″ that could emerge if these superconferences come to fruition, which would create a defacto playoff, albeit leaving out the other half. With the Big East/ACC stuff going on, this may only be the beginning.

  3. CB says:

    Hilarious

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